I Might Be in Love…with Myself

I might be in love…

With myself.

After a lifetime of always second-guessing myself, while trying to appear confident to others, I’m finally good enough.

And, it’s nothing short of delightful.

I was always good enough and I subconsciously knew that — but I also subconsciously didn’t believe it.

Logic tells us we are just as good as the next person. Just as smart in our ways. Beauty isn’t skin deep or a certain skin tone or size or specific weight. Success isn’t defined by money alone. Talent is a perspective. Love isn’t the whipped cream on top of the coffee.

Love IS the coffee, by the way, straight up. It’s what gets us up in the mornings. The whipped cream or creamer just blunts the bitter edges so we come back for more.

And, if that makes sense to you, you’re my people.

But — to the point of knowing something and believing it: Common sense tells us nothing can stop us. We’re just as good. We can make good choices. We can do the things we need to do to have a great life.

You and I know these things are common sense. But, isn’t/wasn’t there always that little nagging feeling that it might not be true for me? That’s what I call the unbelief element.

The unbelief element can be a thorn in the side of confidence. There’ve been times I walked into a room like I owned it — but inside me — there’s a voice yelling “Hold your head up, girl! Meet their eyes or look through them but don’t you dare look down.”

Many of us spend our whole lives trying to squash the unbelief element. We try to make ourselves believe all the common sense and logic. We’re good enough. That stupid little voice pops up anyway.

So, here’s the solution: embrace the unbelief element by acknowledging and dismissing it — and ironically, that’s where falling in love with yourself begins.

That’s the difference between youth and maturity.

It’s the difference between fear and courage.

Instead of trying to obliterate my unbelief, I’ve decided to accept my unbelief — and then toss it to the curb. Maybe eventually it won’t be there. Or maybe it will.

I’m human. Not a robot. And, that is 100% good enough.

Power is: that little tiny freeze-frame moment inside where acknowledge unbelief. Then move forward anyway (in the direction you believe is right).

Once you decide to embrace your unbelief, all sorts of things suddenly change or make room for personal growth and changes in your life. Some of them are pleasant. Some of them are not so fun when they happen but for the better.

A few months ago, I made the decision to end a relationship. I should have ended it much sooner out of fairness to both of us. He is the type of man many women would love to find. All the things you’d want in a solid relationship. I wish him great happiness.

I’ve been in relationships and dated enough to know that there was something different about this breakup. I was at a very different point in my life.

I was breaking up with him because there was someone else.

Someone I was more attracted to every day and I wanted to explore what it meant to focus on that relationship.

That person was me.

From the moment I decided that “unbelief” was acknowledged — not to be feared -but ignored, something just switched on. I became more interested in myself.

Who is this woman who doesn’t care about pleasing others at the expense of her own happiness?

Who is this fun human who no longer feels guilty because her life doesn’t match what others think it should?

Who is this mom who is so interested in her kids, she thanks God every day for their presence in her life?

Who is this chick who thanks God for the chance to screw up or succeed every morning?

Who is this woman who believes everyone who has a place in her life must earn it? Must actually be worthy of her attention?

Who is this person who can just take it or leave it on some things?

I wanted to know more about her.

I still do.